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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Brian's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 30th, 2017
9:33 pm
I miss having somewhere to properly vent online that had some actual people in it. this place is so empty. I'm fed up of being alone. I'm also fed up of developing feelings for folk only to have them dashed. fuck knows, maybe I should just be a hermit and give up.
Wednesday, January 25th, 2017
6:00 pm
Dammit, i feel awful. Bumped into an old friend/acquaintance in sainsburys, and couldn't remember her name for the life of me. Exchanged a couple of words and then basically ran away. I feel really stupidly shitty about it, she went a bit out of her way to say hello and I should really have at least made conversation a bit. She seemed quite pleased to see me and I feel like such an arse for just panicking and running off. Now I just want to apologise but obviously can't because I can't remember her name.
Saturday, November 19th, 2016
12:44 pm
feeling kinda shitty today. Fed up of being single, dwelling on sabotaging good things I had. hohum.
Monday, September 12th, 2016
2:17 pm
I wish facebook had better controls on who can see posts. Livejournal is a bit dead these days and it means I can't ask for advice on, for example, how to handle being mildly rejected by a woman I'm attracted to - is it ok to ask her out again? Once more probably is ok without being creepy, and I was pretty drunk when i did ask her before, but her answer was definitely a polite no thanks. We talked for ages and it was really good and engaging but I guess that doesn't translate necessarily into romantic attraction? Oh well, at least when I feel this way it's kinda positive; I'm sick of being single and not actually being especially attracted to anyone.
Thursday, July 2nd, 2015
7:57 pm
ugh. full of imposter syndrome, self doubt, and lack of self worth. I log onto internet dating sites and only want someone I fall head over heels for - but really, in person, I feel I'm not worthy of the folk I meet. I'll just fuck it up like all the other ones.

bleargh. just need a good whinge and LJ is the default place for that, eh?
Thursday, May 7th, 2015
3:30 am
goes on livejournal to whinge about dissatisfaction with life despite things actually going well. Sees friends on here also being unhappy. Feels frusrated and deflated and petty. Actually my life is going ok, I just don't believe in myself, and am quite lonely.
Thursday, January 2nd, 2014
12:05 pm
01. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Spoke to a mental health professional, albeit only for initial assessments. I'm worried that I can't really decide what I want to get out of it. To feel better about myself? To be less terrified in social situations?

02. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I can't even remember if I made any. I think I was gonna go climbing more? I did go "more" but not much. I'd like to start going back to the gym but I don't know if I want to make a resolution of it. I'd be happy if I could do it up until summer; this year I had to stop in July after an accident and august was too busy, and after that I'd lost the momentum.

03. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but a good few friends and friendly acquaintances did.

04. Did anyone close to you die?

No. My grandfather died, but I didn't really know him and he was thoroughly unpleasant.

05. What countries did you visit?

I visited Barcelona, Stockholm, Newcastle and Luanda for significant lengths of time. So Spain, Sweden, England and Angola.

06. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

A mutually rewarding and fun relationship. I guess I briefly had one in 2013, but it can't have been that great or it would have lasted longer.

07. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I'm crap at remembering dates. This year was ok but I don't think anything especially significant happened to me; some pretty big stuff happened to my immediate family - my brother got engaged, aforementioned death - but they're not the sort of things that give noticeable immediate change. Plus I can't remember the dates.

08. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Erm. Uh-oh. I guess finally sorting out seeing a counsellor? Also starting to go to they gym, but I didn't keep that up. It can count if I start to go again.

09. What was your biggest failure?

Stopping going to the gym! It was good for me. The injury and august hyper-busyness were legitimate excuses but I haven't had one since. That's not too bad as far as failures go I guess.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I bruised or cracked a rib, that was pretty sore for a few weeks, and put an end to my gym visits.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

While I bought loads of stuff, most of this years' best material things are stuff I already had, and the non-material things I bought weren't that great. I didn't even buy this awesome dragon onesie I'm wearing, my mum did. Hopefully the photography evening course I'm starting at the end of January will be the best thing I bought; I've wanted to do it for ages but only managed to book when they started taking online bookings. I kept trying to book too early or too late before.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Various close friends for no particular reasons other than being being good friends; chris, jules, tara, jess get special mention.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Our horrible government. Some of the media. I was a bit depressed at my own sometimes, though I don't think I did anything awful.

14. Where did most of your money go?

rent and bills and food first. Then, photo and video equipment probably.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Not a lot. I don't really do that level of excited these days. I'm quite excited by that photography course.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Hmm. Spitfire by Public Service Broadcasting, after I had to listen to it every day in August because it was preshow music. I quite like the track though.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

a) probably a bit happier
b) probably a bit fatter
c) richer, but not by much.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

travelling, dancing, kissing pretty girls.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

moping about being a miserable sod.

20. How will you spend Christmas?

At home with my family eh.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
no.

22. What was your favorite TV programme?
Breaking Bad, with Game of Thrones second. That red wedding, ugh.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
nah.

24. What was the best book you read?
Did I read IQ84 this year? hmm. The last thing I read was Stonemouth by Iain Banks, which was pretty good. The Long Earth was really good too.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I've been listening to a lot of chvrches lately. They're great. Finally got into errors and arcade fire too.

26. What did you want and get?
Enough money to live comfortably.

27. What did you want and not get?
see question 6.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Pacific Rim was pretty good if you ignore the gaping stupidity of much of it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32. I can't remember. Apparently I was in stockholm, facebook says. Well, just outside stockholm in the archipelago in a holiday cottage. it was pretty nice.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
see question 6

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
jeans and t-shirts innit.

32. What kept you sane?
prozac.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
none spring to mind.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
fucking tory scumbastards.

35. Who did you miss?
australian friends, sarah when she went to NZ, jade when she moved out.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Um. dunno. didn't meet all that many new folk.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
...onesies are great? Um.
Tuesday, December 31st, 2013
3:58 pm
I can't really shake the feeling that I've done nothing of any particular significance this year. I've visited Stockholm, Barcelona and Angola over the past 12 months; all places I've been before, and in two of the three to do the same work as last time. I still live in the same flat, though with a different flatmate who I feel is less of a friend and more of a pleasant acquaintance than the previous one. I don't think I'll be moving imminently though I'd like to buy a place sometime.

I had a brief, enjoyable, but ultimately unfulfilling relationship early in the year. I'm still not sure of the "real" reason it ended, having been dumped with a vague email, but I don't care that much. I went on a couple of dates that didn't lead to anything and there were a couple of things with old partners but mostly I've just been a bit sad and lonely.

I got involved in Anatomy and Open Grip, both of which are pretty interesting events; I'd like to make a little more of both of them, leverage them to work towards helping create some more structured theatre work. Work wise, I've been mostly working at the EICC, which is fairly agreeable. It keeps me financially relatively stable, and it's been varied enough to remain interesting.

Overall, nothing much has changed in the last year, either for the worse or better.
Thursday, September 12th, 2013
10:18 am
hmm, how do you figure out if a queer person you know and like is homosexual or bisexual or... no wait a minute, they can identify how they like... minefield... lets just say "interested in your particular gender"? I mean bar directly asking them, which could be rude. I guess it's not much different from trying to figure things out with someone of a definitely compatible orientation, but it's nice to be able to avoid the awkward early on; usually folk with a partner broadcast it but people are a bit more cagey about their sexuality.
Thursday, August 16th, 2012
11:13 pm
So! Last time I was in a "proper" relationship was over 4 years ago, as it was prior to the last olympics. I had a pleasant casual thing a couple of years ago, with someone I care about a lot but with whom circumstances conspired against us and who I'm happy to just be friends with.

Largely, though, my love life is a barren desert wasteland with no hope in sight, and I'm a bit fucking sick of it.

Current Mood: whingy
Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
12:36 am
it's good to be back in edinburgh but i've been feeling pretty crap today. not good. need to keep myself occupied more effectively.
Tuesday, November 15th, 2011
10:38 pm
ugh, perhaps i am actually incapable of normal social interaction. blurg.
Saturday, July 30th, 2011
12:37 pm
AARRGHGRHRG I can't hear out of one ear... and i think i might have perforated my eardrum with a cotton bud like a fucking idiot. BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER. Suppose I'll have to find time for a doctors appointment next week, somehow.
Monday, May 2nd, 2011
3:42 am
how the fuck can i expect anyone else to be interested in me if i despise myself? and of coruse if my internal monologue uses those same opinions as a measure of self worth then it's a nicely self fulfilling cycle. Or maybe I just tell myself that in the vain hope that it's not that i'm simply hideous and pointless.

in other news, actually, generally feeling better these days actually, honest.

Current Mood: depressed
Monday, April 11th, 2011
10:58 am
Goddamit, still pissed off by the damned japanese tsunami/earthquake coverage. This is a good article about the nuclear disaster, but only at the very end does it bother to say this - "So far the amounts of radioactive materials released from the site are very unlikely to cause any detectable long-term health problems"

So despite the negligible consequences of the nuclear disasiter we're still being subjected to more and more tedious pictures of a few broken industrial buildings. Where are the pictures of towns that have been swept away? thousands of people living in school gyms? orphaned children? The tsunami narrative seems to be "dog is reunited with owner", i.e. "everything's ok".

On the other hand nuclear power is "SCARY" and "IT COULD HAPPEN TO US", so we ignore genuine human tragedy in favour of confirmation of a ridiculous prejudice. Nuclear power is worth the miniscule risk of disaster when you consider the environmental catastrophe we're brewing with our continued over-reliance on coal-fired power.

Hell, i guess you all know this already, just felt the need to say it again.
Sunday, May 30th, 2010
6:22 pm
Hello livejournal! Y'know I do still read stuff on here even if almost everyone seems to have moved on. Anyways... I'm on tour at the moment, with the ladyboys of Bangkok. We're in Brighton, last show here tomorrow then we pack up and move to Bristol. It's odd but fun so far, and better than boring ass corporate gigs in Edinburgh. The tour schedule is online here - http://www.ladyboysofbangkok.co.uk/booking.asp - I'm only doing the tent gigs, which are the ones that last a week or more. Gimme a bell if you want to meet up, anyone, I have some free time once we're moved into a site and up and running.
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010
9:19 pm
brians super-huge-ish cd sale!
hey folks! I have a load of cds for sale, most at 3 quid each or 4 for a tenner. There's a variety of genres; mainstream dance, ebm, industrial, indie, metal and some pop.

All the cds are in good condition and have been well looked after. comment here if you're interested.

list under hereCollapse )
Monday, April 26th, 2010
2:51 pm
hmm, help needed!

I have a sata hard drive that seems to be sick. It doesn't appear when plugged into the external caddy it came with, in bios or windows on any machine we've tried. Plugged into the motherboard on my desktop, the bios can see it but the machine will only boot if i disconnect all the ide hard drives - the dodgy disk isn't the boot disk, though! It seems to work ok when i get windows to boot and i'm copying all the data off of it, and I may as well try reformatting it.

Anyone got any other thoughts/suggestions?

cheers!
Thursday, April 22nd, 2010
1:11 pm
Need some help folks! I have a technician job application that asks 'what do your friends say about you?' well, what do you say? They want honesty, so bad points as well as good.
Monday, March 22nd, 2010
12:20 pm
Does anyone on here have a canon-dslr-compatible flashgun i could borrow this weekend? could do with it for a shoot.

Oh, i haven't posted in a while.
well.
I'm alright, working just enough to pay the rent, still have various video projects on the go. need a name for the motion graphics/animation/vj studio though. Brainmeats are mostly in good state. um. If anyone has any nice cheap social plans/ideas gimme a shout.

Oh yes, i will be having a birthday party at the end of april. It'd be sweet to see EVERYONE there. well you know, lots of people anyway.
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